He made it back

Well people, my husband made it back home last night. Yes the brakes work great and I didn't hear him coming from around the corner. No more screeching. That noise was like fingernails on a chalkboard! I'm glad I don't have to worry about that anymore. Now what do we do about the AC? At least we have the weather gods on our side. Luckily the temperatures started dropping right around the same time as our AC broke. It's in the 80s during the day and that's quite a bit more bearable than 105 degrees, which is average for June through August here in the desert. At night it's been very nice and I've been opening the windows for cool fresh air.

JP has found AC condensers online for less than $200 Instead of letting the mechanics charge us $600 for a condenser, I guess he's planning to buy one and see if a local mechanic will put it in. A lot of times mechanics will run AC repair specials when the weather is cool, so hopefully we'll get lucky there. I guess it will work out, I guess things always have. Sucks to have to spend extra money at this time. But then again I just spent $100 for a new cell phone, so things must not be that bad. Well hey, our contract was up for renewal and there was a rebate, so it was like now or never. I have to use this thing for the next 2 years. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Lets just call it an early Christmas present. ;-)

Fixed

JP fixed the brakes himself today. I think he did a pretty good job. He went over to Checker auto parts and bought the brake pads and some other tools to help. A service guy there was nice enough to take a look at the brakes with him and agrees that the rotors would be fine for awhile longer. Just as JP thought. Now we know the mechanic at 'Perfect Auto' (a chain here in LV) was trying to gouge us. They always love to do that don't they? They make you think it's urgent and get you to pay hundreds of dollars when you don't need to. They'd love to charge you $100 to put in a $5 part any chance they get. All I can say is, never take the first mechanic's word, get another mechanic to look at your car too. If you can, try to learn a few things about your car's engine. I especially don't trust chain auto shops. We had an issue with 'Jiffy Lube' the last time we went there. They we're pretty shady with us and JP says doesn't want to back there again. It's so hard to find a good mechanic here in Vegas. JP asked for recs from people at work and everyone says the mechanics here are crap. We had a good one in LA, maybe we'll have to get our car done there. Anyway, I was a little worried about how safe the brakes would be with this being JPs first brake job on his own. The brakes appeared to work fine as he was driving away. The only problem was the garage floor was dirty as hell. My beautiful garage floor finish I had done myself, already looks like crap. I spent many hot summer nights working on that floor. Oh well, it's a garage, it's going to hell a some point. JP had trouble taking the old brake pads off at first, but after his dad called and gave him a tip. He got it done within 20 minutes after that. Good thing too because it took way too long and JP was late for work over an hour! That's another thing I'm worried about. I hope he doesn't get in trouble. He always says "don't worry, they love me". Well even though, you should never push your luck, especially at work. People could easily love you one day and then hate you the next. God knows how much we need his job. His income pays for everything and we really need the health insurance.

Today I went to Cingular and exchanged my cell phone. The Slvr was a cool phone, cool idea, but to be more practical, I exchanged it for the Motorola Razr. The Moto Slvr is the new hot phone for 2006, but the Razr I've wanted since last year. And it's pink! I love pink, it's my 'cheer me up color'. Plus we got back $50 on the price. Which pays for the brake pads we had to buy. It doesn't play MP3s, but I'm planning on getting an iPod someday anyway. I especially want one so I can store and show my photographs. You can download TV show podcasts on them too which is cool to me because you can watch 'Lost' on it.

OK, with all that out of the way I feel a little better now. Just a few more tasks and we should be scott free. I'm praying for some peace in time for our Frozen embryo transfer. Which hopefully will come very soon.

Does anything work?!

OK, obviously our 1st IVF did not work. But certain things should especially if you pay good money for it. JP bought a new MacBook in July for my birthday, it works good except for a few glitches. Minor yet annoying. I'll have to take it in for service because there are a couple of light dots that keep appearing and disappearing on the screen. At first I thought it was a couple of burned out pixels, but it could be a loose circuit or something. Not looking forward to driving 40 minutes to get it serviced and probably being without my laptop for a week or two. For $1400 I would think one should not have to deal with something like this. Maybe it got bumped around in shipping, I don't know. Either way, what a hassle. Now yesterday I got a new mobile phone. The really cool Motorola Slvr. I can sync it up with my iTunes and store 100 mp3 songs and it has a camera with a full one megapixel compared to the Razr's 1/2 megapixel camera, plus I can take video too, very cool. With a $50 rebate, I pay $150! Expensive right? Well it's already crapped out on me today! I can't even do something as simple as edit my contacts. So I'll be heading back to the store tomorrow to deal with that. I suppose I'll get the Razr instead and save myself another $50. Who really needs a phone to play Mp3s anyway.

What's worse, our car needs some major expensive repairs. This is not unexpected though. We've been driving this car for 2 and half years and never had any major problems until now. It's a 2001 Daewoo Leganza, we won it on ebay and paid only $3200 for it. When we bought it, it had 46,000 miles and we've just about doubled that. It has been good to us, we've taken it on several long road trips and not having car payments is great. It seems like one problem started right after the other. First it started to leak oil, the brakes need repair and the AC broke. Of course, I noticed the brakes feeling low and they we're making screeching noises for a few weeks. I told JP we needed to get them fixed before the pads get too low and ruin the rotors. Even I know the cost would be 3 times what it cost to replace the pads. Well not only are mechanics quoting $400 to repair the brakes, the brakes are dangerously low. I'm so mad at JP! I warned him almost a month ago we need to take care of it, It would of cost only $100-$150 to change the pads. I should have taken it to the shop myself. Now he wants to change the brakes himself, yikes! He gets mad if I question him about this. I'd like to believe in him, but I don't know if he's done this before, I know he's never worked on anti-lock brakes. It's a little different. What really bothers me is that he drives this car to work everyday and I am worried about him getting in an accident. Especially with the way he drives. Of course he thinks he's a good driver, but I think he drives too fast and too close behind people and pays too much attention to cars behind him rather than cars in front of him. That said, he is a good defensive driver, but you need good breaks for that. Anyway, back on subject, our A/C is out and the shop says it's the condenser which will cost a freakin $1100 to fix, ridiculous! You can't live without A/C in Las Vegas! We don't even know why the oil is really leaking, they said the filter was put on wrong, but it's been leaking before the oil change we got a month ago and it still leaks. What a disaster. Just when you think things are going great, it's like a bomb drops on you. I feel like my life has turned into a money pit and I'm so annoyed that everything is like a major chore. It's certainly true that the more you have the more you work. I don't need this, especially now. I only had one goal for this half of the year, to get pregnant. I have no clue how this stress is going to effect that process.

Adoption

I am just randomly doing research on the web on adoption. The process just seems outrageous to me. Seems to me it will be just as much, if not more work compared to IVF. If going through an agency there's tons of paper work, application forms, home evaluation, background check and legal matters. We'd have to get a lawyer. This process alone takes months! They'll want to learn every aspect of your life and health conditions. I thought IVF was invasive! Many of these agencies are religious, so going to church is a requirement! Nuts! Really, what does that have to do with us being good parents?! The cost is just as sky high that's for sure. Couples will easily spend $20,000 to $50,000, often a lot more. And it can take years to ever bring a baby home. It's not even guaranteed that you'll get a baby. But, your chances are pretty good if you are rich and Christian. Is that fair?! Adopting through our state may be less cost, but not much. We both agree we'd rather do an international adoption even though this can cost more than a domestic adoption. Plus involves traveling to the country of origin and dealing with that country's specific adoption process. Some countries even require that you live there with the child for 3 months in their country! Adoption is very complicated. It can be done and I don't rule it out (unless there's no money to do it). But what a lot of effort that's going to be. This is probably why many infertile couples try fertility treatments many times before trying adoption. Frankly, I'd rather get stuck by 100 more needles. It's selfish to think that way, I know. There are so many children that really need good, loving families to be with. I'm sure it would be the most rewarding thing to do, but you've got to really get revved up just to start the process.

Thinking about waiting

We were thinking of doing our Frozen embryo transfer at the end of October, early November. We are not sure that is going to be the best time. We may do it after the holidays. JP has some serious family issues going on right now and we don't want to be burdened by this kind of thing on our minds during our cycle. JP is very aggravated. When he is stressed or unhappy, I'm stressed and unhappy. We'll just have to wait see what happens over the next few weeks before we decide what to do. For now our embies are safe in their cryo-state.

Giving my body a break is definitely a good idea. A couple months without an injection would be nice. Having a more balanced hormone level for awhile would be nice too. I think during the last week of blood tests my body was trying to tell me something. After the collapsed vein during one blood draw and the medical tech having a hard time getting any blood at all for my pregnancy test and stabbing me 4 times. It seems like my veins were saying "no more!". I think I had enough needles jabbed into me to last me for the rest of my life. But I will gladly go through it again if I have a baby in the end.

Reviewed cycle

We met with Dr. S this morning to review our IVF cycle. He explained that everything went perfect until after the transfer when the embryos failed to implant. He said he could see from all my blood levels that I had taken my meds as I should and my levels were perfect. My blood levels indicated that my endometrium was in good shape. He showed us photos of the embryos as they developed and everything looked normal and they appeared to be healthy. He said that sometimes the embryos that look the best may not always be the best and that it's possible that one of our frozen embryos will be the best. He thinks that the embryos failed to implant because my endometrium may have been just slightly ahead of the embryos and synchronization was off. He said that can happen sometimes in a fresh IVF cycle because of the stimulation hormones. In a FET that's not going to happen. They will make my endometrium just right then thaw and transfer the embryos. The embryos will have aproximately a 50% chance of implanting. We are still very hopeful and feel very fortunate to have our frozen embies. If we did not have them it would be all over for this round.

New plan of action

It's been a somber weekend for us. I think we have both come to terms with the situation. We both knew in the beginning it could be like this. I think JP's Mom even took it harder than me. JP took it harder than he thought he would. Before we started IVF he talked about how adoption was what he wanted and he is doing IVF mainly for me and that what ever happens it's OK. After we got our negative result, he told me how he knows having our own baby is the most important thing to me and that my happiness is the most important thing to him. He also said that he didn't realize how much he want us to have our own baby until this. Before we we're talking about how we can only afford one IVF cycle (which is true). And If it doesn't work then we'll adopt or just live without children, at least we'll have each other. Now he says he wants to do IVF as many times as we can until we have a baby, even if we have to go bankrupt. Hopefully it won't come to that. But, I think we are willing to go through another IVF cycle or two and we are willing to go broke to do it. I think we'll be giving $20 Christmas gifts this year, possibly for the rest of our lives. OK, that's a joke..... But don't be surprised if it turns out that way.

Somehow I had a 'feeling' several days before my pregnancy test. I never had any real symptoms. I thought it was strange. My IVF forum friends told me that It was still early and not everyone has symptoms and many women without symptoms turn out pregnant. I just can't explain the feeling I had. It wasn't like I didn't think I was pregnant. I just suddenly felt like I lost the connection with my little embryos. Like there was someone there to talk to, then suddenly they were gone. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's why in a previous post I wrote "I almost don't want them to call, because if they tell me the test is negative then I have to stop believing I'm pregnant". I also remember writing that I felt maybe I lost one of the embryos. I guess somehow I was more prepared for bad news than anyone else. I also know that we have three frozen embryos and they are waiting for their chance to be born. So I hold on to the thought of them and I still feel so much hope.

So, It's arranged, I talked withour IVF coordinator. FET is scheduled for the week of October 29th. I think this gives me enough time to get my hormones in order and get healthier. I don't have anything else planned and no house guests are coming. Piper is on her way to good health again and I'm really hoping for a peaceful transfer time. I've ordered books from Amazon.com, "The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies". This should be a good one, it's written by a licensed accupuncturist. Also ordered, "Fertility and Conception: A Complete Guide to Getting Pregnant", this book was recommended by some of the ladies in my online IVF forums. I also ordered a Meditation CD, "Health Journeys Guided Meditations Help For Infertility". Which I can't wait to start using because August and all it's events have left me with enough tension to last months. Boy, who knew having a baby could be so much work. I sure hope my kids appreciate this.

I keep trying to analyze my cycle and figure out what went wrong. I know that there is not really anyway to pinpoint what caused the embryos failure to implant. Everything was going so perfect until they were placed in my body, ironically the place they were meant to be. I keep blaming all the stressful events that went on at the same time. I wanted a peaceful time during transfer and it just didn't happen. I tried. It was beyond my control. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I can't help feeling a little resentful. Of course Piper can't help that she was sick, but grown up people certainly can control specific things that happen in their lives. Don't they understand what a big deal this is for us. There is nothing more huge than this in our lives. This may be the biggest thing ever for us. All I know is this process itself is more stressful than anyone knows. Having to deal with other stuff has taken it's toll and I think we paid the price. I really hope next time will be different. I'm taking extra steps to make sure I'm healthy as can be and stress free as can be.

I saw a shooting star last night. I can't say what I wished for, but you can take a guess. I still believe very strongly that our wishes will come true someday.

Negative

Unfortunately our IVF was not a success. The embryos did not implant. Dr. S thinks that the embryos and uterine lining may have just not been compatible. Unfortunately most first time IVFs are not successful. All is not lost though. We are due to start a "frozen embryo transfer" (FET) as soon as we are ready. JP and I think October or November might be best. That will give me time to get healthier, clean my system of all the hormones and get my uterus in better shape. I'm looking into some natural remedies, maybe acupuncture to get my body more receptive to pregnancy and to hopefully keep me stress free. For now I'm just going to take a little break and enjoy some things I've had to avoid during my cycle. I'd like to paint a little in the house and help do the landscaping in the backyard, do things a pregnant woman can't do.

Don't worry about me. I'm still positive. I really think our FET is going to work for us. Dr. S did tell us that often FET works better than IVF for many women. I'm still very hopeful.

Pregnancy testing today!

I'm so nervous. I almost don't want them to call because if they say it's negative, then I'll have to stop believing I'm pregnant.

I was really dehydrated this morning. So dehydrated that the medical tech could not draw my blood. She tried both arms then my hand! They had me try to drink a few cups of water before trying one last time. Doesn't she know I hate being a human pin cushion! She suggested I go across town to their main office because the medical tech there is more experienced at drawing blood. Great! She said I could wait till tomorrow and do my blood test if I wanted, maybe I'd be more hydrated by then. But, I thought we've waited long enough for this test. Even JP got sick and threw up thinking about it yesterday. So I bought a 32 oz bottle of Gatorade and headed across town. When I got there, the medical tech was able to draw my blood! That was the only time I have been happy to get a blood test. Anyway, I'm still waiting for their call. I'll update this as soon as I can.

8 days post transfer

Only 2 more days till my pregnancy test. I still have no clue what to expect. I'm very in the middle. I haven't allowed myself to get my hopes too high because if the test is negative, the let down is going to be huge. That doesn't mean I'm not optimistic though. Everyday I try to pay attention to what's going on with my body. There's just no way to know if what I feel is the hormones I'm taking or pregnancy symptoms. I felt twinges in my lower abdomen 2 days after embryo transfer. I could only wonder if it was embryo implantation, my ovaries getting back into shape, or plain old gas. I've been really tired since Saturday, but is that the estrogen I started taking on Friday? Or is it because I'm pregnant? My breasts are a little sore, but the estrogen and progesterone could definitely be causing that. There is one thing that really makes me wonder. Yesterday JP and I were out and about. It was the first day I've been out of the house since embryo transfer. We went to the library and Costco. Two different places, but when I walked into each place I smelled very strong distinct smells. It was so overbearing to me. JP who is normally very sensitive to strong smells, really didn't seem too bothered. I thought that was strange. He thinks it's because I'm pregnant and it's the one symptom that I really believe could be pregnancy symptom. So that gave me a boost of confidence.

Yesterday I finally had my last hormone injection! Yay! Both JP and I were so ready for the shots to end. Just in time too, because I just started getting these itchy hives on my butt where I was getting the shots. I had a blood test and when they got my results, they decided I didn't need anymore progesterone shots. I still take progesterone pills 4 times a day. I have had approximately 45 hormone injections since August 12th. I've had approximately 11 blood tests since August 12th and probably about half a dozen in the 5 months before that, including the full blood work up which they took 8 vials of blood. I've had 3 minor surgeries since January, all required anesthesia and those creepy IV needles, which have completely intstilled the needle-phobia in my head. Though my hormone injections are done I still have more blood tests to do. My poor veins, during yesterday's blood test, my vein actually collapsed! The blood just stopped coming out after about 1/4 vial off blood. So she took the needle out and had to start a new one in the other arm, Yikes! I guess my veins are saying they've had enough.

I feel like I've been training for a marathon and I'm now finally in the last mile to the finnish line. What an experience! JP was saying even if this doesn't work out, it was definitely an interesting experience and he is glad to have done it with me. Easy for him to say, I don't think he understands the pain of the needle! Joking aside, he's right, it's definitely been a bonding experience for us. At least now I know I can trust him to give me an injection.

Only 2 more days! whoohooo!

Another day and more pills

I started estradiol pills yesterday. Today I feel more swelling in my lower abdomen area. I don't know if it's the estrogen or pregnancy symptoms. It's feels a lot like the swelling right before a period. I believe it's my endometrium (uterus lining) building up. The progesterone and estrogen I'm taking is supposed to keep my uterus lining fit for the embryos rather than releasing it in a period. In a natural pregnancy, those hormones come naturally and the uterus lining builds up and sustains the embryos on it's own. My whole cycle was controlled by medications, so my body may not produce progesterone and estrogen on it's own to retain my lining and embryos.

I'm still feeling really positive. I think we are going to be hearing some good news next Friday. I just really have a 'feeling' about all this. I was thinking that If only one of these little one make it, I would be OK with that because then the likelihood of us giving our other embryos in waiting a chance to be born in the future would be greater. Does that make sense? I was kind of feeling guilty I guess, because suppose we do have twins, would we want to have more? If we didn't then the other little ones will be in limbo for who knows how long until they die. JP would really like to adopt too. Financially for us, it would be tough to raise 3 or 4 kids. Of course the cost of doing a FET would be expensive too. And now that we've done IVF our credit debt, not including our home loan, has doubled. It's just part of the price we are willing to pay so that we can have a child. I think that if we can pay off at least 80% of our medical loan within the next 2 years, we might be able to afford to do an FET with our embryos in waiting. We also have to factor in all the costs of a baby when it's born. We are doing fine financially, even though this is the slow season at JP's workplace. But, I was telling JP, we need to seriously nix any and all unnecessary spending starting now. Before IVF we were looking at furniture to buy for our house, but now I think most of that is going to be put on hold. Anyway we need to do some serious managing of our finances from now on. We both agree that if it ever comes to a point where we 'have' to sell our house, we would do it. I really hope it doesn't come to that though. I love our house and it's a great place to raise our kids. At this point I think we are going to be just fine.

3 days post embryo transfer

I know you all are on pins and needles at this point. I am too. Sorry it took me longer than promised to update my blog. It has been quite surreal around here. I completed my 2 days of bed rest and I'm taking it extra easy until my pregnancy test.

Dr. S called the day after my transfer to let us know that we had 3 more embryos make it to the blastocyst stage and were frozen (cryo-preserved). The rest never made it to the blastocyst stage. He said that for 5 embryos to make to blastocyst out of 9 is very good. I'm very happy that we have those 3, because if we decide to have another baby we can do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) which involves a lot less medication for me. Also if this IVF cycle turns out negative, Dr. S will do an FET for us included in the fee we already paid. I'm very pleased with my doctor and his staff. Of course the health of an embryo makes a difference, but for a clinic to be able to sustain an embryo and keep it alive in a dish or test tube for 5 to 6 days takes a lot of expertise and skill. Most clinics don't even do 5 day transfers. And for more than 50% of our embryos to make to blastocyst is very good. I don't remember if I mentioned that it's much better to do a 5 day embryo transfer than a 3 day transfer because they can better tell the quality of the embryo, thus improving our chances for a full term pregnancy.

I'm so full of mixed thoughts and emotions. I feel really positive like 99% of the time. Still my feelings have been up and down. Sometimes I feel so happy because I know I'm pregnant and other times I feel like maybe it didn't work. Everything has gone so smoothly and I think I feel better than I should. It's like how can we be so lucky through everything, will our luck run out? I'm continually knocking on wood. I've always believed myself to be pretty intuitive and today I had a thought, it is possible that I lost one of the embryos, but the other is still strong and settling in. We both would love to have twins, but my feeling is that this is more likely to be a singleton. I could be wrong, twins do run in the family on both our sides.

Greg, our house guest went home on Wednesday morning and JP took the day off of work to spend with me. We both were glad we could finally have the "our time" we needed. IVF is so invasive and non-romantic as it is, you just really need to spend quality alone time together as much as possible. I was very happy, we both just stayed in bed and watched dvds and TV. He took a nap for a couple hours, I couldn't sleep because I've got embies on my mind. The important thing is I was able to do my bed rest and he was here for me.

I don't really notice any pregnancy symptoms yet. It's probably way too early for that. I did feel some 'twinges' on day 2 post transfer. But I'm not sure if it was due to, ahem... gas, or implantation. Embryo implantation usually happens anywhere from day 7 to 12 and that was day 7 of the embryo's life. It's a little different for us women going through IVF anyway. We take so many hormones. Anything I feel could easily be due to that. For example, bloating, cramps, sore breasts, fatigue. You can't always count on those to be clues for pregnancy. I can't do anything but wait until my pregnancy test on September 8th. I have a few lucky numbers but 8 happens to be my most lucky number and my astrological lucky number, so I see it as a good sign. I think September 8th will be a good day.