New plan of action

It's been a somber weekend for us. I think we have both come to terms with the situation. We both knew in the beginning it could be like this. I think JP's Mom even took it harder than me. JP took it harder than he thought he would. Before we started IVF he talked about how adoption was what he wanted and he is doing IVF mainly for me and that what ever happens it's OK. After we got our negative result, he told me how he knows having our own baby is the most important thing to me and that my happiness is the most important thing to him. He also said that he didn't realize how much he want us to have our own baby until this. Before we we're talking about how we can only afford one IVF cycle (which is true). And If it doesn't work then we'll adopt or just live without children, at least we'll have each other. Now he says he wants to do IVF as many times as we can until we have a baby, even if we have to go bankrupt. Hopefully it won't come to that. But, I think we are willing to go through another IVF cycle or two and we are willing to go broke to do it. I think we'll be giving $20 Christmas gifts this year, possibly for the rest of our lives. OK, that's a joke..... But don't be surprised if it turns out that way.

Somehow I had a 'feeling' several days before my pregnancy test. I never had any real symptoms. I thought it was strange. My IVF forum friends told me that It was still early and not everyone has symptoms and many women without symptoms turn out pregnant. I just can't explain the feeling I had. It wasn't like I didn't think I was pregnant. I just suddenly felt like I lost the connection with my little embryos. Like there was someone there to talk to, then suddenly they were gone. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's why in a previous post I wrote "I almost don't want them to call, because if they tell me the test is negative then I have to stop believing I'm pregnant". I also remember writing that I felt maybe I lost one of the embryos. I guess somehow I was more prepared for bad news than anyone else. I also know that we have three frozen embryos and they are waiting for their chance to be born. So I hold on to the thought of them and I still feel so much hope.

So, It's arranged, I talked withour IVF coordinator. FET is scheduled for the week of October 29th. I think this gives me enough time to get my hormones in order and get healthier. I don't have anything else planned and no house guests are coming. Piper is on her way to good health again and I'm really hoping for a peaceful transfer time. I've ordered books from Amazon.com, "The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies". This should be a good one, it's written by a licensed accupuncturist. Also ordered, "Fertility and Conception: A Complete Guide to Getting Pregnant", this book was recommended by some of the ladies in my online IVF forums. I also ordered a Meditation CD, "Health Journeys Guided Meditations Help For Infertility". Which I can't wait to start using because August and all it's events have left me with enough tension to last months. Boy, who knew having a baby could be so much work. I sure hope my kids appreciate this.

I keep trying to analyze my cycle and figure out what went wrong. I know that there is not really anyway to pinpoint what caused the embryos failure to implant. Everything was going so perfect until they were placed in my body, ironically the place they were meant to be. I keep blaming all the stressful events that went on at the same time. I wanted a peaceful time during transfer and it just didn't happen. I tried. It was beyond my control. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I can't help feeling a little resentful. Of course Piper can't help that she was sick, but grown up people certainly can control specific things that happen in their lives. Don't they understand what a big deal this is for us. There is nothing more huge than this in our lives. This may be the biggest thing ever for us. All I know is this process itself is more stressful than anyone knows. Having to deal with other stuff has taken it's toll and I think we paid the price. I really hope next time will be different. I'm taking extra steps to make sure I'm healthy as can be and stress free as can be.

I saw a shooting star last night. I can't say what I wished for, but you can take a guess. I still believe very strongly that our wishes will come true someday.