The end is near. A new year begins.

I don't know exactly why, but I'm really ready for this year to be over. I think 2007 is going to be a very good year for us. Don't get me wrong 2006 has been great. We did so much. Things we have wanted for so long, like get married. I have to say married life is great. JP and I have been together for so long and really nothing is very different except our relationship feels like it has just established it's roots into the ground. Does that mean we're more grounded? I guess so.

The past six months have been a major journey. It's something the both of us will never forget. The whole IVF experience is like a 2 month long roller coaster. When you start a cycle your hopes are so high. You feel so positive and so sure. You're so excited because you just know you'll be pregnant soon. Then you start your medications and deal with all the hormonal ups and downs. The moodiness and irritablity over things that you should be able to let roll off your back. You suffer multiple injections everyday, sometimes for several weeks. But you tell yourself "it's for good cause". You get blood tests and invasive ultrasounds throughout the cycle. You almost feel like you've been abducted by aliens and they are examining and experimenting on you. Finally they extract your eggs and fetilize them. You almost feel like a mom already because you have a bunch of live embryos that you and your husband created. Your hopes are so high at this point and you just know "your babies" can't wait to be inside mommy's belly. Then it's time for embryo transfer. You lay on an operating table, totally exposed from the waist down. There are 4 other people in the room, the doctor, embryologist, sonologist, and a nurse, plus hubby makes 5. You feel like a freak show. If there is ever a time I felt most vulnerable and without control, that was it. Finally it's over. You go home and have to lay on your back for 2 days. It's alot harder than it sounds. You may as well be tied down and released once every hour to go to the bathroom. A sleeping pill would have been helpful at the time. Then you wait an agonizing 10 days for a pregnancy test. The whole time you want to stay positive but at the same time you just know it failed. You're so torn. One minute you feel pregnant and the next you feel so afraid and want to cry because you know you are going to be disapointed. It doesn't help when your family calls to ask how it's going. I know everyone cares and is curious, but you have too much on you mind and are emotionally drained to be chating up the details with someone. It's really hard for me to have a whole conversasion about my IVF cycle. It's alot of work to keep up with my schedule let alone give consant updates to several differnet people. That's why JP and I decided to not tell anyone when we started a second cycle. I told my brother because I knew he would never ask about it or try to put in his 2 cents. It's not like my family harrased me, I just never really wanted to talk about it. My family always tries to be supportive, but I feel like no matter what I say, I don't feel like they get what is really going on. No one can understand what I feel emotionally or how complicated and difficult the process is. Not one bit of it is easy, especially when you get your pregnancy test results and it's negative. 2 months of hard work and thousands of dollars, and no baby. It stinks! Nothing in the world stinks more! I'm looking forward to 2007 with renewed hope. I pray that at least we all can be happy and healthy.