So much to tell, part 2

I have much more to tell! I will work on this post very soon.

So much to tell

Where do I start! It's been so long since I wrote a post. I guess I just needed a break. I intentionally failed to mention about us starting our 2nd IVF cycle last November. Family and people that know me read this blog and we chose to keep the new cycle private. Just incase we failed again, it would save us the misery of having to tell people.

Anyway, we had planned to actually start our 2nd cycle later this year, but Dr S offered a "research cycle" to us at a discount of $3000. With the cost of IVF being so outrageous anyway, we thought that was a significant savings and jumped right back in. It literally was the day of my 2nd negative pregnancy test that we started the process all over. Yes I didn't mention that either. I had a frozen embryo transfer last November with our 3 remaining frozen embryos and that obviously ended up negative. So the week of Thanksgiving I started again. I almost missed getting my new order of meds because of the holiday. Time was limited. If I didn't start that week, I'd miss out on participating in the research cycle. In fact I started my meds a day later than scheduled. I though "oh no, it that a bad omen? maybe this was not the right time to start again". I remember I had a much more difficult time emotionally this time. The first time your so excited that you might soon be a mom and your outlook is so much more positive. This time after 2 negative pregnacy tests you think, "how much longer can I go on?" The hormones definately take it's toll. Think PMS x 10.

This time the shots seemed to hurt a little more. I guess it was just my own psycological state. Neither one of us was in the mode. Morale was a little low. 1 day before my last stim injection, we had a fight. I yelled "I will never do this again!" JP was livid, how dare I make that decision on my own. of course I said it in anger and frustration, so how could that count. JP left the house for a bit. A neighbor came by to talk to me about something. I don't know why I answered the door, but I did so in tears, barely able to speak. I told her how difficult the process has been (she knew of our Ivf plight already) and that I'm fully loaded with hormones and a nervous breakdown was inevitable anyway. I think she was a little frightened. I apologized and she said there's no need, she understands and how she's had those days too. What a dear, trying to relate, (sigh) if she only knew.

Finally we finish with the follicle stimulating injections. I mention to JP that I hope we have twins because then I would never have to do another IVF cycle. If we had a singleton, I would definately want him or her to have a sibling. I had responded very well. We got 18 eggs. 16 fertilized well and were frozen the same day. The process with this research cycle calls for the embyos to be frozen and an FET (frozen embryo transfer) done in January 2007. So now we wait.

It was actually a nice little break. I made sure clean myself up a little. I cut out a lot of sugar from my diet, paid attention to what I ate, drank a lot of water. I even took a detox herbal tea to help cleanse out the stim meds from my system. I was feeling better. Especially because it was the Christmas season, that always cheers me up. It's my favorite time of year and I got to take a break from all needles and meds. We didn't travel for the holiday because of financial reasons, but I'm glad because this was our first Christmas in our first house. My inlaws came and we had our own little holiday at home. It was very nice.

The end is near. A new year begins.

I don't know exactly why, but I'm really ready for this year to be over. I think 2007 is going to be a very good year for us. Don't get me wrong 2006 has been great. We did so much. Things we have wanted for so long, like get married. I have to say married life is great. JP and I have been together for so long and really nothing is very different except our relationship feels like it has just established it's roots into the ground. Does that mean we're more grounded? I guess so.

The past six months have been a major journey. It's something the both of us will never forget. The whole IVF experience is like a 2 month long roller coaster. When you start a cycle your hopes are so high. You feel so positive and so sure. You're so excited because you just know you'll be pregnant soon. Then you start your medications and deal with all the hormonal ups and downs. The moodiness and irritablity over things that you should be able to let roll off your back. You suffer multiple injections everyday, sometimes for several weeks. But you tell yourself "it's for good cause". You get blood tests and invasive ultrasounds throughout the cycle. You almost feel like you've been abducted by aliens and they are examining and experimenting on you. Finally they extract your eggs and fetilize them. You almost feel like a mom already because you have a bunch of live embryos that you and your husband created. Your hopes are so high at this point and you just know "your babies" can't wait to be inside mommy's belly. Then it's time for embryo transfer. You lay on an operating table, totally exposed from the waist down. There are 4 other people in the room, the doctor, embryologist, sonologist, and a nurse, plus hubby makes 5. You feel like a freak show. If there is ever a time I felt most vulnerable and without control, that was it. Finally it's over. You go home and have to lay on your back for 2 days. It's alot harder than it sounds. You may as well be tied down and released once every hour to go to the bathroom. A sleeping pill would have been helpful at the time. Then you wait an agonizing 10 days for a pregnancy test. The whole time you want to stay positive but at the same time you just know it failed. You're so torn. One minute you feel pregnant and the next you feel so afraid and want to cry because you know you are going to be disapointed. It doesn't help when your family calls to ask how it's going. I know everyone cares and is curious, but you have too much on you mind and are emotionally drained to be chating up the details with someone. It's really hard for me to have a whole conversasion about my IVF cycle. It's alot of work to keep up with my schedule let alone give consant updates to several differnet people. That's why JP and I decided to not tell anyone when we started a second cycle. I told my brother because I knew he would never ask about it or try to put in his 2 cents. It's not like my family harrased me, I just never really wanted to talk about it. My family always tries to be supportive, but I feel like no matter what I say, I don't feel like they get what is really going on. No one can understand what I feel emotionally or how complicated and difficult the process is. Not one bit of it is easy, especially when you get your pregnancy test results and it's negative. 2 months of hard work and thousands of dollars, and no baby. It stinks! Nothing in the world stinks more! I'm looking forward to 2007 with renewed hope. I pray that at least we all can be happy and healthy.

Therapy for me

I started going to acupuncture therapy this past week. So far I've had 2 sessions. I made appointments for JP to do them with me (different rooms). For me it's to treat some shoulder and neck tension that I've had for awhile. I think it's been like a couple of years. I believe it's related to stress. I rarely do any heavy lifting or hard labor so I don't think it has much to do with that. Though I did feel tingling pain after I started my last server job over a year ago and when I worked at Whole Foods 6 months ago. I also am going for stress and anxiety. When I got back from LA after going through that whole ordeal, I felt chest discomfort which I'm sure was directly related to stress. Boy I must be getting old!

I have also made a doctor's appointment with a physician to find out what I should do about my heart palpatations. I'm a little confused about what is going on because I have pretty low blood pressure too. I suppose at some point I'm going to have to see a cardiologist. I feel lucky to have Health insurance now. I would just be wondering what's going on. Our health insurance even pays for our acupuncture.

I'm still feeling a little pain in my shoulder when I carry something heavy, but my chest and heart feel much better now. I also feel less anxiety right now too. JP says he also has had a lot of pain relief too. Although he says it's a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. I could tell that he was uncomfortable sometimes after work. I think he was just trying to bear it. So I just went ahead and made the acupunture appointment for him too. That was a very weird experience. I just had to not think about the needles. It's not that painful when she pricks you, it's just having to lay really still for 20-30 minutes while these needles are stuck in you that is weird. You have to stay still otherwise you hurt yourself where the needles are. You might have some in your wrist and can't even really rest your hand, so you're kind of laying there with your arm in the air, trying to lay still as possible for 30 minutes. But hey, it seems to work and it only cost us $10 each session.

JP doesn't like to admit acupunture has made a difference already. He actually hates doing it. He's only really doing to keep me company. I think he may stop going, but I think he should continue. It makes me feel bad when he comes home from work and complains of a sore neck or back.

I have started arrangements to see a psychologist/therapist, but have yet to make the actual appointment. Through JP's work we are offered 6 free sessions through their 'employee assistance program'. It's kind of hard to admit that there are things that have bothered me for so long and I didn't have the will to put all that aside and "be normal". Of course I tried to "be normal" as much as possible with family and friends. But keeping stuff bottled inside is asking for a major explosion at some point. I'm basically taking every advantage of my health insurance. It's been a long, long time since I've had health coverage. If I had this kind of health coverage years ago, I would have seen a therapist back then. Having health insurance has already been such a huge help. I've already had thousands of dollars worth of medical care in less than a year!

I tortured my poor dogs

I had to put Piper and Quincy into doggie boarding for the first time while we went to LA. Normally we take our dogs everywhere with us. But this time we didn't really have the time to take proper care of them. The best place I could think of was boarding them at their Vets office. Their Vets are there if they get sick or injured and it's affordable at $30 for the both of them to stay in one kennel for the day. We brought their nylabones (which the caretakers lost), beds and their food. I had hoped they'd feel OK if they had their own beds. I could tell as we left them, they were going to have a horrible day and night. They wouldn't even take the biscuits I tried to give them. When I called to check on them, the girl on the phone asked the caretaker about them, then just tells me their fine. I felt she was too short about it. I know they were not fine when I left. They didn't say whether they were calm or not. Fine for all I know is them sitting and anxiously looking for us. Fine is not as good and good is not as good as great. I've been very disappointed in my Vets office lately. I feel they treat my dogs as business and not really as our family members. If it weren't for me being so pleased about Quincy's leg stub amputation and several people saying they're the best, I don't think I'd bring them there again. I only hear the praises of one doctor anyway (the one that did Quincy's surgery) and he will be the one I request everytime. So when we go to pick them up, they are of course excited to see us. Piper was not as pleased to see JP as she was to see me. I think it was because he was so mean to her when he left her there in the sterile, cold metal cage in a strange, new place. Piper was acting up as soon as we brought her to the Vets office. She hates it there and gets anxious everytime she goes there. JP never has tolerance for Piper when she gets anxious and he just yells at her. I said to JP "just wait till you have kids". He just thinks kids are going to be so easy. Yeah because, no doubt I'll be doing most of the work. I guess it will be for the best anyway, because I have way more patience and tolerance than he does. How do you think I'm able to live with him? Anyway, Piper started yelping as soon as she saw us as if to say, "I can't believe you left me here, get me the hell out of here!" So I ran out of the vets office with her and forgot to ask for all their stuff (we had to go back for it the next day). I noticed both dogs looked very tired. I had never seen them look so tired. They even looked like they had bags under their eyes. Quincy who normally has bright white around his eyes, had bloodshot eyes! Piper did too. As we drove home, Piper could see when we got to about 8 blocks from our house and got very excited. When we got home they were very hungry, so I gave them food and treats. Then they crashed, went right to sleep. I felt so bad for them. I know staying in boarding was really stressful for them and I don't think they got much sleep. That's the most stressed I have ever seen them. I'm not sure what I'll do next time. All other options cost quite a bit more money. People think I'm nuts because I like to bring My dogs with me when I travel and this is the exact reason why.

Going to trial

It's been awhile since my last post. There wasn't much going on until this week. JP and I just got back from Los Angeles. Unfortunately I had to go back for a mandatory settlement hearing. It's about an incident that I had pretty much blocked from my mind after I moved here to Nevada. It was the biggest reason for me to move out of LA. Out of sight out of mind, right? Well until they summon you for a hearing, you spend $450 to travel back, and they slap you in the face by saying they'll give you $750 for 3-4 years of suffering. For those who don't know what I'm talking about. I filed a workers comp case after I was assaulted at work and was forced to quit my job because I felt that my employer was not taking adequate measures for my welfare and safety. It's a long story that I rather not talk about and I'm not really allowed to talk about. Now that I think about it, I really should of filed a civil lawsuit. JP talked to a couple of lawyers who would of happily taken my case because I had a strong sexual harassment case. But I felt enough stress, anxiety and aggravation by the incident and how I was treated by my former employers, that I just didn't want to have to tell more people the details of what happened, especially strangers. Just talking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I even stopped going to a therapist because all I could get was group therapy. I didn't want a bunch of strangers to hear me talk about it. It would have been better for my settlement if I did go to group therapy. I just kind of went into my own world to live as a recluse instead. Anyway my lawyers were asking for $5000, not much at all, but I would of taken it just so I can moved on with my life. The defense refused and we are going to trial. I get to go back on Jan 10, 2007. I am not looking forward to it. All last night and today I've been feeling pressure in my chest and it feels like my heart is beating funny. My doctor did mention I had a heart murmur the last time he checked. Now I feel traumatized once again and I am looking for a good shrink. Don't know if that will help my case, but hopefully it will help my head.

He made it back

Well people, my husband made it back home last night. Yes the brakes work great and I didn't hear him coming from around the corner. No more screeching. That noise was like fingernails on a chalkboard! I'm glad I don't have to worry about that anymore. Now what do we do about the AC? At least we have the weather gods on our side. Luckily the temperatures started dropping right around the same time as our AC broke. It's in the 80s during the day and that's quite a bit more bearable than 105 degrees, which is average for June through August here in the desert. At night it's been very nice and I've been opening the windows for cool fresh air.

JP has found AC condensers online for less than $200 Instead of letting the mechanics charge us $600 for a condenser, I guess he's planning to buy one and see if a local mechanic will put it in. A lot of times mechanics will run AC repair specials when the weather is cool, so hopefully we'll get lucky there. I guess it will work out, I guess things always have. Sucks to have to spend extra money at this time. But then again I just spent $100 for a new cell phone, so things must not be that bad. Well hey, our contract was up for renewal and there was a rebate, so it was like now or never. I have to use this thing for the next 2 years. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Lets just call it an early Christmas present. ;-)