@ Mia's House

So much to tell, part 2

2007-04-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have much more to tell! I will work on this post very soon.

So much to tell

2007-04-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Where do I start! It's been so long since I wrote a post. I guess I just needed a break. I intentionally failed to mention about us starting our 2nd IVF cycle last November. Family and people that know me read this blog and we chose to keep the new cycle private. Just incase we failed again, it would save us the misery of having to tell people.

Anyway, we had planned to actually start our 2nd cycle later this year, but Dr S offered a "research cycle" to us at a discount of $3000. With the cost of IVF being so outrageous anyway, we thought that was a significant savings and jumped right back in. It literally was the day of my 2nd negative pregnancy test that we started the process all over. Yes I didn't mention that either. I had a frozen embryo transfer last November with our 3 remaining frozen embryos and that obviously ended up negative. So the week of Thanksgiving I started again. I almost missed getting my new order of meds because of the holiday. Time was limited. If I didn't start that week, I'd miss out on participating in the research cycle. In fact I started my meds a day later than scheduled. I though "oh no, it that a bad omen? maybe this was not the right time to start again". I remember I had a much more difficult time emotionally this time. The first time your so excited that you might soon be a mom and your outlook is so much more positive. This time after 2 negative pregnacy tests you think, "how much longer can I go on?" The hormones definately take it's toll. Think PMS x 10.

This time the shots seemed to hurt a little more. I guess it was just my own psycological state. Neither one of us was in the mode. Morale was a little low. 1 day before my last stim injection, we had a fight. I yelled "I will never do this again!" JP was livid, how dare I make that decision on my own. of course I said it in anger and frustration, so how could that count. JP left the house for a bit. A neighbor came by to talk to me about something. I don't know why I answered the door, but I did so in tears, barely able to speak. I told her how difficult the process has been (she knew of our Ivf plight already) and that I'm fully loaded with hormones and a nervous breakdown was inevitable anyway. I think she was a little frightened. I apologized and she said there's no need, she understands and how she's had those days too. What a dear, trying to relate, (sigh) if she only knew.

Finally we finish with the follicle stimulating injections. I mention to JP that I hope we have twins because then I would never have to do another IVF cycle. If we had a singleton, I would definately want him or her to have a sibling. I had responded very well. We got 18 eggs. 16 fertilized well and were frozen the same day. The process with this research cycle calls for the embyos to be frozen and an FET (frozen embryo transfer) done in January 2007. So now we wait.

It was actually a nice little break. I made sure clean myself up a little. I cut out a lot of sugar from my diet, paid attention to what I ate, drank a lot of water. I even took a detox herbal tea to help cleanse out the stim meds from my system. I was feeling better. Especially because it was the Christmas season, that always cheers me up. It's my favorite time of year and I got to take a break from all needles and meds. We didn't travel for the holiday because of financial reasons, but I'm glad because this was our first Christmas in our first house. My inlaws came and we had our own little holiday at home. It was very nice.

The end is near. A new year begins.

2006-12-30T21:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know exactly why, but I'm really ready for this year to be over. I think 2007 is going to be a very good year for us. Don't get me wrong 2006 has been great. We did so much. Things we have wanted for so long, like get married. I have to say married life is great. JP and I have been together for so long and really nothing is very different except our relationship feels like it has just established it's roots into the ground. Does that mean we're more grounded? I guess so.

The past six months have been a major journey. It's something the both of us will never forget. The whole IVF experience is like a 2 month long roller coaster. When you start a cycle your hopes are so high. You feel so positive and so sure. You're so excited because you just know you'll be pregnant soon. Then you start your medications and deal with all the hormonal ups and downs. The moodiness and irritablity over things that you should be able to let roll off your back. You suffer multiple injections everyday, sometimes for several weeks. But you tell yourself "it's for good cause". You get blood tests and invasive ultrasounds throughout the cycle. You almost feel like you've been abducted by aliens and they are examining and experimenting on you. Finally they extract your eggs and fetilize them. You almost feel like a mom already because you have a bunch of live embryos that you and your husband created. Your hopes are so high at this point and you just know "your babies" can't wait to be inside mommy's belly. Then it's time for embryo transfer. You lay on an operating table, totally exposed from the waist down. There are 4 other people in the room, the doctor, embryologist, sonologist, and a nurse, plus hubby makes 5. You feel like a freak show. If there is ever a time I felt most vulnerable and without control, that was it. Finally it's over. You go home and have to lay on your back for 2 days. It's alot harder than it sounds. You may as well be tied down and released once every hour to go to the bathroom. A sleeping pill would have been helpful at the time. Then you wait an agonizing 10 days for a pregnancy test. The whole time you want to stay positive but at the same time you just know it failed. You're so torn. One minute you feel pregnant and the next you feel so afraid and want to cry because you know you are going to be disapointed. It doesn't help when your family calls to ask how it's going. I know everyone cares and is curious, but you have too much on you mind and are emotionally drained to be chating up the details with someone. It's really hard for me to have a whole conversasion about my IVF cycle. It's alot of work to keep up with my schedule let alone give consant updates to several differnet people. That's why JP and I decided to not tell anyone when we started a second cycle. I told my brother because I knew he would never ask about it or try to put in his 2 cents. It's not like my family harrased me, I just never really wanted to talk about it. My family always tries to be supportive, but I feel like no matter what I say, I don't feel like they get what is really going on. No one can understand what I feel emotionally or how complicated and difficult the process is. Not one bit of it is easy, especially when you get your pregnancy test results and it's negative. 2 months of hard work and thousands of dollars, and no baby. It stinks! Nothing in the world stinks more! I'm looking forward to 2007 with renewed hope. I pray that at least we all can be happy and healthy.

Therapy for me

2006-10-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

I started going to acupuncture therapy this past week. So far I've had 2 sessions. I made appointments for JP to do them with me (different rooms). For me it's to treat some shoulder and neck tension that I've had for awhile. I think it's been like a couple of years. I believe it's related to stress. I rarely do any heavy lifting or hard labor so I don't think it has much to do with that. Though I did feel tingling pain after I started my last server job over a year ago and when I worked at Whole Foods 6 months ago. I also am going for stress and anxiety. When I got back from LA after going through that whole ordeal, I felt chest discomfort which I'm sure was directly related to stress. Boy I must be getting old!

I have also made a doctor's appointment with a physician to find out what I should do about my heart palpatations. I'm a little confused about what is going on because I have pretty low blood pressure too. I suppose at some point I'm going to have to see a cardiologist. I feel lucky to have Health insurance now. I would just be wondering what's going on. Our health insurance even pays for our acupuncture.

I'm still feeling a little pain in my shoulder when I carry something heavy, but my chest and heart feel much better now. I also feel less anxiety right now too. JP says he also has had a lot of pain relief too. Although he says it's a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. I could tell that he was uncomfortable sometimes after work. I think he was just trying to bear it. So I just went ahead and made the acupunture appointment for him too. That was a very weird experience. I just had to not think about the needles. It's not that painful when she pricks you, it's just having to lay really still for 20-30 minutes while these needles are stuck in you that is weird. You have to stay still otherwise you hurt yourself where the needles are. You might have some in your wrist and can't even really rest your hand, so you're kind of laying there with your arm in the air, trying to lay still as possible for 30 minutes. But hey, it seems to work and it only cost us $10 each session.

JP doesn't like to admit acupunture has made a difference already. He actually hates doing it. He's only really doing to keep me company. I think he may stop going, but I think he should continue. It makes me feel bad when he comes home from work and complains of a sore neck or back.

I have started arrangements to see a psychologist/therapist, but have yet to make the actual appointment. Through JP's work we are offered 6 free sessions through their 'employee assistance program'. It's kind of hard to admit that there are things that have bothered me for so long and I didn't have the will to put all that aside and "be normal". Of course I tried to "be normal" as much as possible with family and friends. But keeping stuff bottled inside is asking for a major explosion at some point. I'm basically taking every advantage of my health insurance. It's been a long, long time since I've had health coverage. If I had this kind of health coverage years ago, I would have seen a therapist back then. Having health insurance has already been such a huge help. I've already had thousands of dollars worth of medical care in less than a year!

I tortured my poor dogs

2006-10-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

I had to put Piper and Quincy into doggie boarding for the first time while we went to LA. Normally we take our dogs everywhere with us. But this time we didn't really have the time to take proper care of them. The best place I could think of was boarding them at their Vets office. Their Vets are there if they get sick or injured and it's affordable at $30 for the both of them to stay in one kennel for the day. We brought their nylabones (which the caretakers lost), beds and their food. I had hoped they'd feel OK if they had their own beds. I could tell as we left them, they were going to have a horrible day and night. They wouldn't even take the biscuits I tried to give them. When I called to check on them, the girl on the phone asked the caretaker about them, then just tells me their fine. I felt she was too short about it. I know they were not fine when I left. They didn't say whether they were calm or not. Fine for all I know is them sitting and anxiously looking for us. Fine is not as good and good is not as good as great. I've been very disappointed in my Vets office lately. I feel they treat my dogs as business and not really as our family members. If it weren't for me being so pleased about Quincy's leg stub amputation and several people saying they're the best, I don't think I'd bring them there again. I only hear the praises of one doctor anyway (the one that did Quincy's surgery) and he will be the one I request everytime. So when we go to pick them up, they are of course excited to see us. Piper was not as pleased to see JP as she was to see me. I think it was because he was so mean to her when he left her there in the sterile, cold metal cage in a strange, new place. Piper was acting up as soon as we brought her to the Vets office. She hates it there and gets anxious everytime she goes there. JP never has tolerance for Piper when she gets anxious and he just yells at her. I said to JP "just wait till you have kids". He just thinks kids are going to be so easy. Yeah because, no doubt I'll be doing most of the work. I guess it will be for the best anyway, because I have way more patience and tolerance than he does. How do you think I'm able to live with him? Anyway, Piper started yelping as soon as she saw us as if to say, "I can't believe you left me here, get me the hell out of here!" So I ran out of the vets office with her and forgot to ask for all their stuff (we had to go back for it the next day). I noticed both dogs looked very tired. I had never seen them look so tired. They even looked like they had bags under their eyes. Quincy who normally has bright white around his eyes, had bloodshot eyes! Piper did too. As we drove home, Piper could see when we got to about 8 blocks from our house and got very excited. When we got home they were very hungry, so I gave them food and treats. Then they crashed, went right to sleep. I felt so bad for them. I know staying in boarding was really stressful for them and I don't think they got much sleep. That's the most stressed I have ever seen them. I'm not sure what I'll do next time. All other options cost quite a bit more money. People think I'm nuts because I like to bring My dogs with me when I travel and this is the exact reason why.

Going to trial

2006-10-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since my last post. There wasn't much going on until this week. JP and I just got back from Los Angeles. Unfortunately I had to go back for a mandatory settlement hearing. It's about an incident that I had pretty much blocked from my mind after I moved here to Nevada. It was the biggest reason for me to move out of LA. Out of sight out of mind, right? Well until they summon you for a hearing, you spend $450 to travel back, and they slap you in the face by saying they'll give you $750 for 3-4 years of suffering. For those who don't know what I'm talking about. I filed a workers comp case after I was assaulted at work and was forced to quit my job because I felt that my employer was not taking adequate measures for my welfare and safety. It's a long story that I rather not talk about and I'm not really allowed to talk about. Now that I think about it, I really should of filed a civil lawsuit. JP talked to a couple of lawyers who would of happily taken my case because I had a strong sexual harassment case. But I felt enough stress, anxiety and aggravation by the incident and how I was treated by my former employers, that I just didn't want to have to tell more people the details of what happened, especially strangers. Just talking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I even stopped going to a therapist because all I could get was group therapy. I didn't want a bunch of strangers to hear me talk about it. It would have been better for my settlement if I did go to group therapy. I just kind of went into my own world to live as a recluse instead. Anyway my lawyers were asking for $5000, not much at all, but I would of taken it just so I can moved on with my life. The defense refused and we are going to trial. I get to go back on Jan 10, 2007. I am not looking forward to it. All last night and today I've been feeling pressure in my chest and it feels like my heart is beating funny. My doctor did mention I had a heart murmur the last time he checked. Now I feel traumatized once again and I am looking for a good shrink. Don't know if that will help my case, but hopefully it will help my head.

He made it back

2006-09-22T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well people, my husband made it back home last night. Yes the brakes work great and I didn't hear him coming from around the corner. No more screeching. That noise was like fingernails on a chalkboard! I'm glad I don't have to worry about that anymore. Now what do we do about the AC? At least we have the weather gods on our side. Luckily the temperatures started dropping right around the same time as our AC broke. It's in the 80s during the day and that's quite a bit more bearable than 105 degrees, which is average for June through August here in the desert. At night it's been very nice and I've been opening the windows for cool fresh air.

JP has found AC condensers online for less than $200 Instead of letting the mechanics charge us $600 for a condenser, I guess he's planning to buy one and see if a local mechanic will put it in. A lot of times mechanics will run AC repair specials when the weather is cool, so hopefully we'll get lucky there. I guess it will work out, I guess things always have. Sucks to have to spend extra money at this time. But then again I just spent $100 for a new cell phone, so things must not be that bad. Well hey, our contract was up for renewal and there was a rebate, so it was like now or never. I have to use this thing for the next 2 years. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Lets just call it an early Christmas present. ;-)

Fixed

2006-09-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

JP fixed the brakes himself today. I think he did a pretty good job. He went over to Checker auto parts and bought the brake pads and some other tools to help. A service guy there was nice enough to take a look at the brakes with him and agrees that the rotors would be fine for awhile longer. Just as JP thought. Now we know the mechanic at 'Perfect Auto' (a chain here in LV) was trying to gouge us. They always love to do that don't they? They make you think it's urgent and get you to pay hundreds of dollars when you don't need to. They'd love to charge you $100 to put in a $5 part any chance they get. All I can say is, never take the first mechanic's word, get another mechanic to look at your car too. If you can, try to learn a few things about your car's engine. I especially don't trust chain auto shops. We had an issue with 'Jiffy Lube' the last time we went there. They we're pretty shady with us and JP says doesn't want to back there again. It's so hard to find a good mechanic here in Vegas. JP asked for recs from people at work and everyone says the mechanics here are crap. We had a good one in LA, maybe we'll have to get our car done there. Anyway, I was a little worried about how safe the brakes would be with this being JPs first brake job on his own. The brakes appeared to work fine as he was driving away. The only problem was the garage floor was dirty as hell. My beautiful garage floor finish I had done myself, already looks like crap. I spent many hot summer nights working on that floor. Oh well, it's a garage, it's going to hell a some point. JP had trouble taking the old brake pads off at first, but after his dad called and gave him a tip. He got it done within 20 minutes after that. Good thing too because it took way too long and JP was late for work over an hour! That's another thing I'm worried about. I hope he doesn't get in trouble. He always says "don't worry, they love me". Well even though, you should never push your luck, especially at work. People could easily love you one day and then hate you the next. God knows how much we need his job. His income pays for everything and we really need the health insurance.

Today I went to Cingular and exchanged my cell phone. The Slvr was a cool phone, cool idea, but to be more practical, I exchanged it for the Motorola Razr. The Moto Slvr is the new hot phone for 2006, but the Razr I've wanted since last year. And it's pink! I love pink, it's my 'cheer me up color'. Plus we got back $50 on the price. Which pays for the brake pads we had to buy. It doesn't play MP3s, but I'm planning on getting an iPod someday anyway. I especially want one so I can store and show my photographs. You can download TV show podcasts on them too which is cool to me because you can watch 'Lost' on it.

OK, with all that out of the way I feel a little better now. Just a few more tasks and we should be scott free. I'm praying for some peace in time for our Frozen embryo transfer. Which hopefully will come very soon.

Does anything work?!

2006-09-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

OK, obviously our 1st IVF did not work. But certain things should especially if you pay good money for it. JP bought a new MacBook in July for my birthday, it works good except for a few glitches. Minor yet annoying. I'll have to take it in for service because there are a couple of light dots that keep appearing and disappearing on the screen. At first I thought it was a couple of burned out pixels, but it could be a loose circuit or something. Not looking forward to driving 40 minutes to get it serviced and probably being without my laptop for a week or two. For $1400 I would think one should not have to deal with something like this. Maybe it got bumped around in shipping, I don't know. Either way, what a hassle. Now yesterday I got a new mobile phone. The really cool Motorola Slvr. I can sync it up with my iTunes and store 100 mp3 songs and it has a camera with a full one megapixel compared to the Razr's 1/2 megapixel camera, plus I can take video too, very cool. With a $50 rebate, I pay $150! Expensive right? Well it's already crapped out on me today! I can't even do something as simple as edit my contacts. So I'll be heading back to the store tomorrow to deal with that. I suppose I'll get the Razr instead and save myself another $50. Who really needs a phone to play Mp3s anyway.

What's worse, our car needs some major expensive repairs. This is not unexpected though. We've been driving this car for 2 and half years and never had any major problems until now. It's a 2001 Daewoo Leganza, we won it on ebay and paid only $3200 for it. When we bought it, it had 46,000 miles and we've just about doubled that. It has been good to us, we've taken it on several long road trips and not having car payments is great. It seems like one problem started right after the other. First it started to leak oil, the brakes need repair and the AC broke. Of course, I noticed the brakes feeling low and they we're making screeching noises for a few weeks. I told JP we needed to get them fixed before the pads get too low and ruin the rotors. Even I know the cost would be 3 times what it cost to replace the pads. Well not only are mechanics quoting $400 to repair the brakes, the brakes are dangerously low. I'm so mad at JP! I warned him almost a month ago we need to take care of it, It would of cost only $100-$150 to change the pads. I should have taken it to the shop myself. Now he wants to change the brakes himself, yikes! He gets mad if I question him about this. I'd like to believe in him, but I don't know if he's done this before, I know he's never worked on anti-lock brakes. It's a little different. What really bothers me is that he drives this car to work everyday and I am worried about him getting in an accident. Especially with the way he drives. Of course he thinks he's a good driver, but I think he drives too fast and too close behind people and pays too much attention to cars behind him rather than cars in front of him. That said, he is a good defensive driver, but you need good breaks for that. Anyway, back on subject, our A/C is out and the shop says it's the condenser which will cost a freakin $1100 to fix, ridiculous! You can't live without A/C in Las Vegas! We don't even know why the oil is really leaking, they said the filter was put on wrong, but it's been leaking before the oil change we got a month ago and it still leaks. What a disaster. Just when you think things are going great, it's like a bomb drops on you. I feel like my life has turned into a money pit and I'm so annoyed that everything is like a major chore. It's certainly true that the more you have the more you work. I don't need this, especially now. I only had one goal for this half of the year, to get pregnant. I have no clue how this stress is going to effect that process.

Adoption

2006-09-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

I am just randomly doing research on the web on adoption. The process just seems outrageous to me. Seems to me it will be just as much, if not more work compared to IVF. If going through an agency there's tons of paper work, application forms, home evaluation, background check and legal matters. We'd have to get a lawyer. This process alone takes months! They'll want to learn every aspect of your life and health conditions. I thought IVF was invasive! Many of these agencies are religious, so going to church is a requirement! Nuts! Really, what does that have to do with us being good parents?! The cost is just as sky high that's for sure. Couples will easily spend $20,000 to $50,000, often a lot more. And it can take years to ever bring a baby home. It's not even guaranteed that you'll get a baby. But, your chances are pretty good if you are rich and Christian. Is that fair?! Adopting through our state may be less cost, but not much. We both agree we'd rather do an international adoption even though this can cost more than a domestic adoption. Plus involves traveling to the country of origin and dealing with that country's specific adoption process. Some countries even require that you live there with the child for 3 months in their country! Adoption is very complicated. It can be done and I don't rule it out (unless there's no money to do it). But what a lot of effort that's going to be. This is probably why many infertile couples try fertility treatments many times before trying adoption. Frankly, I'd rather get stuck by 100 more needles. It's selfish to think that way, I know. There are so many children that really need good, loving families to be with. I'm sure it would be the most rewarding thing to do, but you've got to really get revved up just to start the process.

Thinking about waiting

2006-09-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

We were thinking of doing our Frozen embryo transfer at the end of October, early November. We are not sure that is going to be the best time. We may do it after the holidays. JP has some serious family issues going on right now and we don't want to be burdened by this kind of thing on our minds during our cycle. JP is very aggravated. When he is stressed or unhappy, I'm stressed and unhappy. We'll just have to wait see what happens over the next few weeks before we decide what to do. For now our embies are safe in their cryo-state.

Giving my body a break is definitely a good idea. A couple months without an injection would be nice. Having a more balanced hormone level for awhile would be nice too. I think during the last week of blood tests my body was trying to tell me something. After the collapsed vein during one blood draw and the medical tech having a hard time getting any blood at all for my pregnancy test and stabbing me 4 times. It seems like my veins were saying "no more!". I think I had enough needles jabbed into me to last me for the rest of my life. But I will gladly go through it again if I have a baby in the end.

Reviewed cycle

2006-09-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

We met with Dr. S this morning to review our IVF cycle. He explained that everything went perfect until after the transfer when the embryos failed to implant. He said he could see from all my blood levels that I had taken my meds as I should and my levels were perfect. My blood levels indicated that my endometrium was in good shape. He showed us photos of the embryos as they developed and everything looked normal and they appeared to be healthy. He said that sometimes the embryos that look the best may not always be the best and that it's possible that one of our frozen embryos will be the best. He thinks that the embryos failed to implant because my endometrium may have been just slightly ahead of the embryos and synchronization was off. He said that can happen sometimes in a fresh IVF cycle because of the stimulation hormones. In a FET that's not going to happen. They will make my endometrium just right then thaw and transfer the embryos. The embryos will have aproximately a 50% chance of implanting. We are still very hopeful and feel very fortunate to have our frozen embies. If we did not have them it would be all over for this round.

New plan of action

2006-09-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a somber weekend for us. I think we have both come to terms with the situation. We both knew in the beginning it could be like this. I think JP's Mom even took it harder than me. JP took it harder than he thought he would. Before we started IVF he talked about how adoption was what he wanted and he is doing IVF mainly for me and that what ever happens it's OK. After we got our negative result, he told me how he knows having our own baby is the most important thing to me and that my happiness is the most important thing to him. He also said that he didn't realize how much he want us to have our own baby until this. Before we we're talking about how we can only afford one IVF cycle (which is true). And If it doesn't work then we'll adopt or just live without children, at least we'll have each other. Now he says he wants to do IVF as many times as we can until we have a baby, even if we have to go bankrupt. Hopefully it won't come to that. But, I think we are willing to go through another IVF cycle or two and we are willing to go broke to do it. I think we'll be giving $20 Christmas gifts this year, possibly for the rest of our lives. OK, that's a joke..... But don't be surprised if it turns out that way.

Somehow I had a 'feeling' several days before my pregnancy test. I never had any real symptoms. I thought it was strange. My IVF forum friends told me that It was still early and not everyone has symptoms and many women without symptoms turn out pregnant. I just can't explain the feeling I had. It wasn't like I didn't think I was pregnant. I just suddenly felt like I lost the connection with my little embryos. Like there was someone there to talk to, then suddenly they were gone. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's why in a previous post I wrote "I almost don't want them to call, because if they tell me the test is negative then I have to stop believing I'm pregnant". I also remember writing that I felt maybe I lost one of the embryos. I guess somehow I was more prepared for bad news than anyone else. I also know that we have three frozen embryos and they are waiting for their chance to be born. So I hold on to the thought of them and I still feel so much hope.

So, It's arranged, I talked withour IVF coordinator. FET is scheduled for the week of October 29th. I think this gives me enough time to get my hormones in order and get healthier. I don't have anything else planned and no house guests are coming. Piper is on her way to good health again and I'm really hoping for a peaceful transfer time. I've ordered books from Amazon.com, "The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies". This should be a good one, it's written by a licensed accupuncturist. Also ordered, "Fertility and Conception: A Complete Guide to Getting Pregnant", this book was recommended by some of the ladies in my online IVF forums. I also ordered a Meditation CD, "Health Journeys Guided Meditations Help For Infertility". Which I can't wait to start using because August and all it's events have left me with enough tension to last months. Boy, who knew having a baby could be so much work. I sure hope my kids appreciate this.

I keep trying to analyze my cycle and figure out what went wrong. I know that there is not really anyway to pinpoint what caused the embryos failure to implant. Everything was going so perfect until they were placed in my body, ironically the place they were meant to be. I keep blaming all the stressful events that went on at the same time. I wanted a peaceful time during transfer and it just didn't happen. I tried. It was beyond my control. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I can't help feeling a little resentful. Of course Piper can't help that she was sick, but grown up people certainly can control specific things that happen in their lives. Don't they understand what a big deal this is for us. There is nothing more huge than this in our lives. This may be the biggest thing ever for us. All I know is this process itself is more stressful than anyone knows. Having to deal with other stuff has taken it's toll and I think we paid the price. I really hope next time will be different. I'm taking extra steps to make sure I'm healthy as can be and stress free as can be.

I saw a shooting star last night. I can't say what I wished for, but you can take a guess. I still believe very strongly that our wishes will come true someday.

Negative

2006-09-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately our IVF was not a success. The embryos did not implant. Dr. S thinks that the embryos and uterine lining may have just not been compatible. Unfortunately most first time IVFs are not successful. All is not lost though. We are due to start a "frozen embryo transfer" (FET) as soon as we are ready. JP and I think October or November might be best. That will give me time to get healthier, clean my system of all the hormones and get my uterus in better shape. I'm looking into some natural remedies, maybe acupuncture to get my body more receptive to pregnancy and to hopefully keep me stress free. For now I'm just going to take a little break and enjoy some things I've had to avoid during my cycle. I'd like to paint a little in the house and help do the landscaping in the backyard, do things a pregnant woman can't do.

Don't worry about me. I'm still positive. I really think our FET is going to work for us. Dr. S did tell us that often FET works better than IVF for many women. I'm still very hopeful.

Pregnancy testing today!

2006-09-08T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so nervous. I almost don't want them to call because if they say it's negative, then I'll have to stop believing I'm pregnant.

I was really dehydrated this morning. So dehydrated that the medical tech could not draw my blood. She tried both arms then my hand! They had me try to drink a few cups of water before trying one last time. Doesn't she know I hate being a human pin cushion! She suggested I go across town to their main office because the medical tech there is more experienced at drawing blood. Great! She said I could wait till tomorrow and do my blood test if I wanted, maybe I'd be more hydrated by then. But, I thought we've waited long enough for this test. Even JP got sick and threw up thinking about it yesterday. So I bought a 32 oz bottle of Gatorade and headed across town. When I got there, the medical tech was able to draw my blood! That was the only time I have been happy to get a blood test. Anyway, I'm still waiting for their call. I'll update this as soon as I can.

8 days post transfer

2006-09-06T19:33:00.001-07:00

Only 2 more days till my pregnancy test. I still have no clue what to expect. I'm very in the middle. I haven't allowed myself to get my hopes too high because if the test is negative, the let down is going to be huge. That doesn't mean I'm not optimistic though. Everyday I try to pay attention to what's going on with my body. There's just no way to know if what I feel is the hormones I'm taking or pregnancy symptoms. I felt twinges in my lower abdomen 2 days after embryo transfer. I could only wonder if it was embryo implantation, my ovaries getting back into shape, or plain old gas. I've been really tired since Saturday, but is that the estrogen I started taking on Friday? Or is it because I'm pregnant? My breasts are a little sore, but the estrogen and progesterone could definitely be causing that. There is one thing that really makes me wonder. Yesterday JP and I were out and about. It was the first day I've been out of the house since embryo transfer. We went to the library and Costco. Two different places, but when I walked into each place I smelled very strong distinct smells. It was so overbearing to me. JP who is normally very sensitive to strong smells, really didn't seem too bothered. I thought that was strange. He thinks it's because I'm pregnant and it's the one symptom that I really believe could be pregnancy symptom. So that gave me a boost of confidence.

Yesterday I finally had my last hormone injection! Yay! Both JP and I were so ready for the shots to end. Just in time too, because I just started getting these itchy hives on my butt where I was getting the shots. I had a blood test and when they got my results, they decided I didn't need anymore progesterone shots. I still take progesterone pills 4 times a day. I have had approximately 45 hormone injections since August 12th. I've had approximately 11 blood tests since August 12th and probably about half a dozen in the 5 months before that, including the full blood work up which they took 8 vials of blood. I've had 3 minor surgeries since January, all required anesthesia and those creepy IV needles, which have completely intstilled the needle-phobia in my head. Though my hormone injections are done I still have more blood tests to do. My poor veins, during yesterday's blood test, my vein actually collapsed! The blood just stopped coming out after about 1/4 vial off blood. So she took the needle out and had to start a new one in the other arm, Yikes! I guess my veins are saying they've had enough.

I feel like I've been training for a marathon and I'm now finally in the last mile to the finnish line. What an experience! JP was saying even if this doesn't work out, it was definitely an interesting experience and he is glad to have done it with me. Easy for him to say, I don't think he understands the pain of the needle! Joking aside, he's right, it's definitely been a bonding experience for us. At least now I know I can trust him to give me an injection.

Only 2 more days! whoohooo!

Another day and more pills

2006-09-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

I started estradiol pills yesterday. Today I feel more swelling in my lower abdomen area. I don't know if it's the estrogen or pregnancy symptoms. It's feels a lot like the swelling right before a period. I believe it's my endometrium (uterus lining) building up. The progesterone and estrogen I'm taking is supposed to keep my uterus lining fit for the embryos rather than releasing it in a period. In a natural pregnancy, those hormones come naturally and the uterus lining builds up and sustains the embryos on it's own. My whole cycle was controlled by medications, so my body may not produce progesterone and estrogen on it's own to retain my lining and embryos.

I'm still feeling really positive. I think we are going to be hearing some good news next Friday. I just really have a 'feeling' about all this. I was thinking that If only one of these little one make it, I would be OK with that because then the likelihood of us giving our other embryos in waiting a chance to be born in the future would be greater. Does that make sense? I was kind of feeling guilty I guess, because suppose we do have twins, would we want to have more? If we didn't then the other little ones will be in limbo for who knows how long until they die. JP would really like to adopt too. Financially for us, it would be tough to raise 3 or 4 kids. Of course the cost of doing a FET would be expensive too. And now that we've done IVF our credit debt, not including our home loan, has doubled. It's just part of the price we are willing to pay so that we can have a child. I think that if we can pay off at least 80% of our medical loan within the next 2 years, we might be able to afford to do an FET with our embryos in waiting. We also have to factor in all the costs of a baby when it's born. We are doing fine financially, even though this is the slow season at JP's workplace. But, I was telling JP, we need to seriously nix any and all unnecessary spending starting now. Before IVF we were looking at furniture to buy for our house, but now I think most of that is going to be put on hold. Anyway we need to do some serious managing of our finances from now on. We both agree that if it ever comes to a point where we 'have' to sell our house, we would do it. I really hope it doesn't come to that though. I love our house and it's a great place to raise our kids. At this point I think we are going to be just fine.

3 days post embryo transfer

2006-09-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

I know you all are on pins and needles at this point. I am too. Sorry it took me longer than promised to update my blog. It has been quite surreal around here. I completed my 2 days of bed rest and I'm taking it extra easy until my pregnancy test.

Dr. S called the day after my transfer to let us know that we had 3 more embryos make it to the blastocyst stage and were frozen (cryo-preserved). The rest never made it to the blastocyst stage. He said that for 5 embryos to make to blastocyst out of 9 is very good. I'm very happy that we have those 3, because if we decide to have another baby we can do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) which involves a lot less medication for me. Also if this IVF cycle turns out negative, Dr. S will do an FET for us included in the fee we already paid. I'm very pleased with my doctor and his staff. Of course the health of an embryo makes a difference, but for a clinic to be able to sustain an embryo and keep it alive in a dish or test tube for 5 to 6 days takes a lot of expertise and skill. Most clinics don't even do 5 day transfers. And for more than 50% of our embryos to make to blastocyst is very good. I don't remember if I mentioned that it's much better to do a 5 day embryo transfer than a 3 day transfer because they can better tell the quality of the embryo, thus improving our chances for a full term pregnancy.

I'm so full of mixed thoughts and emotions. I feel really positive like 99% of the time. Still my feelings have been up and down. Sometimes I feel so happy because I know I'm pregnant and other times I feel like maybe it didn't work. Everything has gone so smoothly and I think I feel better than I should. It's like how can we be so lucky through everything, will our luck run out? I'm continually knocking on wood. I've always believed myself to be pretty intuitive and today I had a thought, it is possible that I lost one of the embryos, but the other is still strong and settling in. We both would love to have twins, but my feeling is that this is more likely to be a singleton. I could be wrong, twins do run in the family on both our sides.

Greg, our house guest went home on Wednesday morning and JP took the day off of work to spend with me. We both were glad we could finally have the "our time" we needed. IVF is so invasive and non-romantic as it is, you just really need to spend quality alone time together as much as possible. I was very happy, we both just stayed in bed and watched dvds and TV. He took a nap for a couple hours, I couldn't sleep because I've got embies on my mind. The important thing is I was able to do my bed rest and he was here for me.

I don't really notice any pregnancy symptoms yet. It's probably way too early for that. I did feel some 'twinges' on day 2 post transfer. But I'm not sure if it was due to, ahem... gas, or implantation. Embryo implantation usually happens anywhere from day 7 to 12 and that was day 7 of the embryo's life. It's a little different for us women going through IVF anyway. We take so many hormones. Anything I feel could easily be due to that. For example, bloating, cramps, sore breasts, fatigue. You can't always count on those to be clues for pregnancy. I can't do anything but wait until my pregnancy test on September 8th. I have a few lucky numbers but 8 happens to be my most lucky number and my astrological lucky number, so I see it as a good sign. I think September 8th will be a good day.

2 buns in the oven

2006-08-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

What a surreal day. I can't believe we just had our embryo transfer. JP seems the most excited today than he has been in the last few weeks.

We got to the clinic just before 11:00 AM. They did a blood test and then I sat in the recovery room for awhile before my procedure at 12:00. JP was allowed in the Transfer room, but not in the recovery room. There were a couple of other women in recovery who had just finished their transfer and there was one woman ahead of me about to do her transfer.

JP brought a little camera to take photos. I told him he could probably only take photos before and after the transfer. JP asked Dr. S if he could take photos and the doctor was nice enough to say he could take photos after the procedure (after I was more covered up). Dr. S seemed a little thrown off. I guess no one has ever brought a camera in. I have a feeling it will be the last time though. You know how JP is, he doesn't follow orders very well. JP decided to go ahead and take photos during the transfer. Well of course Dr. S wasn't having it and told him to stop. Way to go JP, Let's upset the doctor as he puts our embryos in me.

The actual transfer was amazing. I still can hardly believe what I saw on the monitor. I'll never forget it. First they took a microscopic photograph of our two little beans to be transferred and gave it to us. Our first baby pics! We watched on the monitor, I could see as the doctor did a test insert of the catheter into my uterus. Then the embryos, together 2 of them, were put into the catheter and inserted into my uterus. As they came through the tip of the catheter and were placed inside, I got all teary eyed. It was awesome!

The transfer only took about 15 minutes. I then had to lay down for half an hour in the recovery room. I was allowed to go pee, which I was so scared to do. I thought the little ones might fall out. Which now I know is probably silly. Then I sat in a recliner to continue resting. There was a new medical tech there and she had me dress and said I could leave too soon, about 45 minutes after transfer. JP had left to get lunch and was told he could return around 1:15 to take me home. So I got my full hour anyway waiting for him. The ride home was a little hard. Everytime the car went over bumps, I cringed. We stopped at In and Out. We went through the drive through to get some burgers and fries for me. I ate on the way home and when we finally reached home I said hi to Greg, who is here until tomorrow and then went straight to bed. When I got to bed I turned the TV on and it was on Discovery Health Channel. It was showing baby birth programs. So obviously I had to watch.

This is a long post for today, but I will update more about this day tomorrow.

Here we go!!

2006-08-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

Dr. S' office just called. We are to be at the clinic for embryo transfer at 11:00 AM today! I'm so excited, I can hardly contain myself. I've got to feed the dogs and get out of here.

To be continued.....

Day four

2006-08-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

The little ones are doing good. They are all still growing. Dr S says that even the weaker ones could still grow into blastocysts. Our speedy one is 'compacting' and is in the beginnings of the blastocyst stage, by day five he should be right where he should be. Listen to me, I called it 'he'! JP wants all girls so don't tell him I said that. I don't know why but something keeps throwing the word he and him around my mind. When I went to buy yarn for the baby blanket I'm going to start crocheting during my bedrest, I was first drawn to boy colors. It's not wishful thinking either, because I really love little girls. It's weird. I did manage to pick colors that could be used for both genders, but there is blue in it. Maybe I just didn't want to make a pink blanket incase we did have a boy. Anyway, I have seem to have strayed way off track here. "One day at a time Mia". OK, one is about to become a blastocyst and 4 are at the stage right before that. They may need till Wednesday to become ready for transfer. The others are way behind, but Dr. S says there is the possibility they could become blastocysts.
Dr. S will call again tomorrow to let me know if the transfer will be tomorrow or Wednesday. I can hardly wait!

Day three of life for the embies

2006-08-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

Dr. S called this morning to update us on our embryos. He said that there's one really good one at 8 cells, 4 that are a little behind at 6 cells and the rest aren't so good because they have some fragmentation. We are still optimistic. All 9 still have a chance to grow big and strong. But now comes the scary part. At this point it becomes harder for most embryos to continue growing outside the mother's body, especially if they are not at the 8 cell stage by now. We have a lot of confidence in our doctor and we know he's doing everything right. But nature can still play a role. Dr.S will continue to update us daily until our transfer day.

Poor puffy Piper

2006-08-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

Piper is really sick. I'm worried about her. A week ago she had an allergic reaction to something, I think a bug or spider bite. Her eye lids and cheeks got all puffy. We took her to the vet and he confirmed it was an allergic reaction to "something". Because she's so tiny and we were afraid the swelling would get so bad and could affect her airways, we allowed her to get an antihistamine and cortisone shot. I'm not a fan of cortisone because it's a steroid. But she looked pretty bad. Anyway she was fine until last Friday then her eyes started swelling again. I guess the medication had worn off and all her symptoms came back. That's what drugs like that do. They suppress the symptoms, but don't heal the problem. So now she's worse than ever, especially since she scratched and gave herself little wounds around her eye. She has to wear a cone around her neck to keep her from scratching her face. She looks like she just got out of the boxing ring. I think she probably has an infection now too. I've been giving her homeopathic meds and an herbal immunity serum, but there's no improvement yet. I'll most likely end up taking her to the vet again tomorrow. I don't think I'll let her get another cortisone shot though. Her vet bill last week was $120 and now we have to go again. So much for having a calm week for IVF! I wonder What's next?

9 little ones incubating

2006-08-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

Dr. S called to tell us that 9 eggs fertilized! That is double what I had hoped for. I'm very pleased. I want at least 2 healthy embryos to transfer back and if possible, 2 or 3 to freeze. They all will have a few more days to grow before transfer. A lot can happen to the cels, so we have to keep in mind that not all the embryos will survive the full 5 days in incubation. Bless their little spirits. If they die because they are unhealthy, it's just as well, we don't really want those unhealthy ones to implant. There would be more of a chance of miscarriage or birth deffects. I will hear from Dr. S again on Sunday to find out how the little ones are doing. Maybe we'll also learn when our transfer will be. I can hardly wait! In the mean time, more blood tests and medication for me.

Today we started progesterone shots. We must have done it right, because that is a painful shot for most and it really didn't hurt me at all. It's in sesame oil, so it's thick, and the needle gauge size is bigger than my previous injections. What I did is ice the injection site before the shot to make it my skin numb. I filled a hot water bottle with hot tap water. After I drew up the progesterone into the sarringe, I carefully set it on top of the hot water bottle for 1 minute while I continued to ice my butt. Warming the progesterone oil keeps it more fluid and easier to inject. Then JP did my injection. This shot take takes twice as long because it's double the fluid of my previous shots. After my shot I used the hot water bottle to keep the site warm, it helps keep the prog. fluid and disperse into my muscle tissues. JP still hates giving me shots. He's doing a great job. He even looked up "the upper outer buttocks area" to make sure he didn't give me shot in my sciatic nerve. He didn't believe I was showing him the right spot, so he looked it up and showed me the diagram, "see, I could have given you a shot in that nerve and cause permanent damage!". That's cute. I know I'm moody and sometimes he makes me upset, but I know he's doing the best he can. Progesterone is important for pregnancy, it helps make my endometruim lining receptive for the embryos to implant. I may have to take these injections throughout my entire first trimester.

Priorities?

2006-08-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

JP really upset me last night. I asked that he stick around Tuesday if I have my embryo transfer. He said "I'll try". WTF! You'll try but you might leave because you want to hang out with your friend?! Oh, don't mind me. I'm just trying to have your baby. I've only had 100 needles stuck in my arms, thighs and ass for 2 weeks and there's plenty more coming. We are only at the most critical part, but if you "TRY" that would be great, thanks sweetheart. Oh and don't worry about that $15,000 we are spending to do this, If our IVF fails, oh well, it's just money. Boy 2 weeks of hormones sure are kickin in now! Maybe I'm over reacting here and JP would definately say that I am. He got upset with me because I'm acting this way. I think I've been really nice for the last few weeks considering what's going on with my body. But do I still have to be nice about all this? He says that if the transfer is Wednesday he would have to go to work and I'd be alone anyway, so why stick around on Tuesday even though it's his day off.... Because I NEED you, hello? Even my Mom and Mother in law offered to come help and be here for me during my bedrest. I told them I can manage, but thanks. Now that the time is near and we've been through most of the process, I'm really freaking out. I know it's mostly hormones, but I just don't want to F*** anything up. I want to be sure we do everything we CAN do. Even if we do our best, there's always a chance of failure. I am just stressing myself too much. I've got to make myself stay calm. Stress is bad, especially now. Good thing I'm writting all this, I could be screaming and throwing a fit instead.

11 eggs in a basket

2006-08-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

My egg retrieval procedure went pretty good this morning. Except I never loved those IV catheters they stick into you when you have surgery. I didn't get one wound but two. The first one they put into my hand somehow came loose when I moved. So they stabbed me in my other hand to put a new one in.

Out of 12 follicles the doctor retrieved 11 eggs! That's a pretty good number, he had predicted we'd only get around 7. He did tell me that not all of them are good. He's been giving me reserved answers like this all along. I guess so I won't be too dissapointed if everything fails. At least he didn't say none of them are good. I only need one good embryo to start a good pregnancy. Dr. S will call tomorrow to let us know how fertilization went. If we get a couple healthy fertilized eggs that last 5 to 6 days, they will then be transfered back into my uterus. Dr. S does 5-6 day blastocyst transfers. It's a newer technique that he helped devolop. Many clinics do 3 day transfers. By doing a 5 day blastocyst transfer, the doctor is better able to select out the most healthy embryos. Unfortunately, not all embryos survive that long.

I'm a little dissapointed because JP's good friend (I'll call him Greg) is here visiting. Not that I don't like him or want him to visit. It's just a bad time for visitors. I quit my job a few months ago mainly so I could manage our wedding and the move to our new house and most importantly, so I could focus 100% on this IVF procedure without stress or other obligation. Now that Greg is here. JP feels obligated to be host to him. Naturally since this is my house too, I am automatically a hostess. He's suposed to be here for a week, including during the time when we do our embryo transfer next Tuesday or Wednesday. He's due to leave Wednesday morning and If I have to be at the clinic early in the morning, taking him to the airport is going to be an inconvenience. This is mostly JP's fault because he was not clear about our IVF schedule when he and Greg we're talking about the visit. JP has known about our scheduled IVF cycle for several months. He should have realized that all of August would be a bad time when he told Greg he could come. Anyway, Greg arrived yesterday, the day before my egg retrieval. JP picked him up after work, they got home after I had already gone to bed. They were up until around 2 AM and I could hear them. Boy do they like to slam doors and cabinets. I did my best to sleep because I had to get up early for my 8 AM appointment. I woke up early, tired but very excited because I have been waiting a long time for this day.

JP helped Greg rent a car and he took off this afternoon for LA to visit friends for the weekend. JP went to work and I'm supposed to stay in bed all day. It's hard to do especially when you get hungry. So I snuck off to the kitchen and what do you know, I end up emptying th dishwasher and washing dishes that the boys left in the sink. I should of left it. Cramps and post surgery or not, I like my sink clean!

Never the less, the Egg retrieval went well so I'm happy. I just hope I can get some peace next week. If my transfer is on Tuesday, JP's day off, I think I'm going to demand that he stay home with me because I'm not supposed to get out of bed for anything except to use the bathroom. Someone's got to let the dogs outside and feed me. I don't care if we have a guest. JP and I are essentially conceiving our child right now. Who needs a freakin third wheel?!

Big day tomorrow!

2006-08-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

Today's pre-op exam and blood test went well today. Dr S detected a slight heart murmur, but did not seem overly concerned. Tomorrow's egg retrieval is going ahead as planned. I'm getting up really early again, so I'm off to bed now. Good night, wish me luck.

Egg retrieval, here I come

2006-08-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

I got the green light today! I was finally told we will proceed with egg retrieval on Thursday the 24th after a one day delay. My estimated egg retrieval was for Wednesday August 23, but after my ultrasound and blood test on Monday, Dr. S decided to have me stim for one more day. At my Monday appointment he said I was about ready and I had 8 follicles that were at the size they should be. Today I had another ultrasound and I noticed that my follicles have grown quite a bit overnight! I believe my largest follicle was about 20 mm yesterday and today my largest was about 26 mm. I think I may have one or two more ripe follicles today as well. Which can be good if there is an extra egg or 2 that comes out of it.

I am so ready to pop. I look like I'm three month pregnant already. When last Sunday came around I was hoping for an egg retrieval as soon as possible. Yay! No more Ganirellix, man that one hurt, especially my last one. I literally had hard bumps form under my skin at the injection site. Tonight I won't have to take Menopur or Ganirellix. I will have to get an HCG shot, the so called trigger shot. This hormone will initiate the release of my eggs from my follicles. The timing of this shot is very critical. I have to make sure I take the shot right at 9:30 PM so that my follicles will be ready approximately 36 hours later for egg retrieval. Which will be on Thursday at 8:30 AM. That same day JP will make his 'very important contribution'. Sometime Friday we should find out if fertilization was a hit or miss. I can't wait!

I'm really glad I won't be getting 3 injections a day anymore. Even though I am no where near done with getting stuck by needles. I feel like my skin has become so sensitive in the last 3 days. Every injection and blood draw has hurt. The first few days we're so easy. I don't know if the hormones have made my nerves more sensitive or it's psychological because I'm so tired of being a human pin cushion. Probably both. I would say the hormones have definitely had an effect because I also am bruising really easy. I've got like ten bruises on my upper thighs and I have a bruise on my arm from a blood draw almost week ago. Because of that bruise I can't even alternate arms when I have blood draws until it heals and unfortunately at this point I'm getting blood tests done almost every day this week. My poor right arm is getting the bulk of my daily torture. Who ever said "making the baby is the fun part", obviously was very fertile.

Less than a week till Egg retrieval

2006-08-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

This is our seventh day of hormone stimulation. After today I have only 3 more days of these daily injections. As long as things progress as normal.

Yesterday I had an ultrasound and blood test. Everything is normal and it looks like I have 11 antrals. I guess that means 11 follicles are maturing along and getting bigger. We added another hormone injection to the mix last night. Ganirelix, it's not a big needle and didn't hurt going in, but does sting for awhile and is a little tender today. I took it right before bed at the same time as the Menopur. I did my best to fall asleep with a pain in my side. It wasn't that hard though because I've been so drowsy everyday this week. 3 injections a day now, it's sooo much fun!

.... Actually it's not. JP is getting fed up with it, I can tell. He never was one with a lot of patience. He get's home from work late at night, then has to deal with me nagging him to do the med preparation the way I want it done and then he has to give me the creepy shot. They say I'm supposed to feel more moody during stimmulation, but I think JP is more moody about the shots than me. I wish he would be a little more sensitive to me. I don't think he really has any idea what I'm going through. I know it's hard for him right now. He's got all these other things in his life stressing him out too. We have family drama, but that's another story. I feel bad that he has to give me these shots. I would do it myself, but I can't look at a needle and stick myself with it. At least I don't make him go to the ultrasounds with me. I don't want to bother him with it. I usually go between 7 and 8 in the morning and it takes about 30-40 minutes to drive to my clinic. Since he gets home from work really late I don't think getting him up that early is a good idea.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling like I'm supposed to be feeling. I can feel a little business going on in the ovary department. I thought I'd be alot more bloated, crampy, moody and I thought my skin would break out like crazy. I don't think I'm really more emotional than normal. Family issues on JP's side kind of stressed me out for a minute, but I don't think I'm reacting worse than I would be if I were not on hormones. I actually think I'm being pretty mellow. It does help that I'm not working right now, no stress there. I'm trying to stay low stress as possible, stress can cause eggs to become unhealthy or no eggs to develop at all. Besides that, it seems that I lost 4-5 pounds since last month and my skin is pretty clear. It's weird, I was expecting to have a lot of problems. It's be too good to be true. Well, we still have a few more days to go.

Moving along

2006-08-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

It's now day five of injections. So far it's not too bad. Some shots are more uncomfortable than others. JP is doing a good job. He admits he doesn't like giving me my shots, I guess because he knows it's uncomfortable for me. I think choosing a spot that is less sensitive makes a difference, but there's never way to tell which spot of skin will hurt. I've really become a baby when it comes to needles. I was fine with blood tests, even as a kid. But since my surgeries at the beginning of this year, When they stuck that IV needle in my hand, I cringe every time I see a needle. Follistim still stings a little when injected, even though I ice the spot. The nurse said I wouldn't feel it at all. She lied! I wonder if it's an allergy. I'll ask my doctor tomorrow. I have another ultrasound and blood test then. My blood test yesterday came back normal, so everything is still going really well. I don't feel too weird from the hormones yet. On day two, I felt a little light headed. By day three I was fine, but I was extremely drowsy in the afternoon. I know sometimes I don't get a full eight hours, Ok a lot of the time, but that day, while at a store shopping, I swear I could have taken a nap right in the pillow display. Yesterday (day four) I had to get up early for my blood test and when I got home I did something I haven't done since we moved into this house, I went back to bed and slept till noon! I'm expecting to feel bloated and very sensitive in the ovary area pretty soon. The nurse told us during our group injections instructions class, that our ovaries would grow to the size of lemons, Ouch! She said to dress comfortable and that we're going to look about 9 months pregnant. I heard from other women that they looked 3 months pregnant, but your belly doesn't really go away once you do become pregnant. Once your ovaries get down to normal size the baby is like 3 months along. Anyway, Things are moving along pretty quick. I'm getting anxious now about getting to the Egg retrieval and then to the Embryo transfer. In a good way though. I'm not nervous really. I just can't wait until I hear the doctor say "you're going to have a baby".

One day down

2006-08-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

I feel so much better now that we got through those first shots. It really wasn't as bad as I thought. I was stressing it for the last 2 weeks. Right before we did the injections, JP had to chase me around the room for a bit. I really didn't want him to give me those shots. I kept yelling "don't let it hurt me!", "are you sure you know how to do it right?!" and "wait, wait, just give me a minute!". He didn't do much to make me feel comfortable either. He was a little impatient. Understandable since it was midnight and he just got home from work. He kept telling me to "just do it, don't look at it". But just the sight of him holding that needle pointed at me made me want to bolt. It was quite comical. I was sure being a baby and all for nothing really. The Follistim shot did sting some as it was injected and afterwards. Today my thigh is a little sore where I got the shot. But it's not anything I can't handle. The Menopur was the one I was worried about the most because it's injected deep into the muscle. After stalling for a few minutes, I finally decided to get it overwith. I lay on the bed, on my stomach, took some deep breaths and called my dog Piper to come and give me snuggles and distract me. It worked! JP gave me that intramuscular shot and I barely felt a thing! After a few seconds I said to JP "was that it, did you do it?". Surprisingly the shot spot doesn't feel sore today like the Follistim spot. Using ice helped numb the skin where the shot was done. I iced before and after . I also used a first aid antiseptic and analgestic which also numbed the skin. Today when noon came around I walked over to JP and said "it's happy shot time!" he laughed. I'm a little worried though, I think he's kind of enjoying sticking it to me..... Just kidding! I think I'm going to make it afterall. I'm actually starting to get really excited.

I'm good to go

2006-08-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

My Doctor's office called earlier to give me the 'go ahead'. My bloodtest was normal. Great! so far everything has gone extremely smooth. I am anxious and ready to get on with it. JP's at work and I'm waiting to let him give me my shots. Thankfully Dr. S said we could do my evening shot when JP gets home from work. He leaves he house at 2:30-3 PM for work everyday and gets back usually around midnight. I was afraid I would have to give myself my Menopur shot. I originally thought it had to be done between 5 PM and 7 PM. It will be a lot easier for me if JP gives me the shot, that way I don't have to see the needle poke me. We just have to make sure to time the Follistim shot 12 hours later in the morning or I guess in our case it will be Noon. So we'll see how it goes.

Baseline done

2006-08-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

I went to my clinic at 8:15 AM for my Baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. My endometrium looks good and I have 13 follicles ready to go. Dr. S says we're off to a good start. I think 13 is my new lucky number! I just now need to wait for my bloodtest results to make sure my hormone levels are OK and then tonight I can start the fun part ..... The wonderful injections. Pardon my sarcasm, I'm trying to get past my needle-phobia.

Everyone says Menopur, which is given as an intramuscular injection, is not the most painful shot I have to get. That needle is 1 1/2" long and I think a 25 gauge size. It shouldn't be too painful (I hope). I will have to take Menopur every night for about 10 days, maybe more or less, depending on follicle development and hormone levels, etc. Also I will be taking Follistim shots every morning for the next 10 days. That is probably the easiest one. It's a subcutaneous shot which means it's given in the layer under the skin instead of in the muscle. It's injected with a pen device that I just change the needle, set the dose, jab it into my thigh and push a button to inject the medication. After about 5 days or so I will add a daily shot of Ganirellix for six days. Fortunately a subcutaneous shot. About 36 hours before Dr. S harvests my eggs, I will take a shot of HCG intramuscularly. That one is supposed to sting pretty bad. I will later on have to take Prog. shots which is an oil base and I hear can be quite painful. It is an intramuscular shot. The gauge size on that needle is about 22, a little bigger because it's oil based. I think I have to do those shots everyday for a few weeks after embryo transfer, maybe more.

Anyway that's just a little explanation of what I'll be doing with my time for the next few weeks. Sound like a good time or what? Well the way I see it is, for every little shot down I'm one big step forward. The farther I get along, the closer I get to having a baby.

Thank Dog

2006-08-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

I had a real scare right after my last post. I let the dogs out in the backyard to potty. They were out there for about 10 minutes and Piper got out under the gate! Quincy was the one who let me know something was wrong, I heard him whining outside and clawing at the window. I said "oh shit" and ran outside. Piper was gone!! I ran out in the front yard and I didn't see her! I ran to the main street calling her name, praying she was not in the street. I ran back to my house, the whole time calling to her and THANK GOD I saw her running towards me, scared as she could be, she jumped right into my arms! I couldn't even scold her, she's my baby, I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. Quincy's an angel because if he didn't get my attention at that moment, Piper might have gotten too far away or hurt or stolen. I swear I won't let them out of my sight again, not even in my own backyard.
I was distracted because I got my new MacBook and was fiddling around with it and pretty much forgot about them (bad mommy!). I have never let them out of my sight before. I feel so horrible. I'm just so happy I got her back.

This is it!

2006-08-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

We are officially going through with IVF. Tomorrow at 8 AM I'll go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood test. My doctor will check out my follicles and hormone levels. If everything is right, then I'm able to start follicle stimulation via injections the same day, oh boy!! I admit I'm dreading it and can't wait to get started at the same time. Every shot I get brings me that much closer to getting preggers! I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for this. I really, really hope it works. If it doesn't work this time, we get one more chance. If it doesn't happen the second cycle I guess It wasn't meant to be. There's always adoption. Which we hope to do someday anyway.

This whole process is crazy to me! I can't believe I'm doing it. I have never been one to do so much as take an aspirin everytime I get a headache. I always have avoided taking drugs/medications whenever possible. This is the ultimate sacrifice and compromise of my life! It doesn't matter though... If I can have a baby, it will be worth it.

I have so much going through my head right now. I joined a few Fertility forums so I can converse with other women going through IVF. That has been really helpful for me emotionally and mentally. All the women are really supportive of each other. Our husbands are here for us, but they don't really know what is going through our heads and can't really understand what is happening with our bodies. It has been a real blessing to be a part of the forums. It's great to be able to talk to others going through the same experience as you. I recommend it for anyone going through something like this. It really helps to be in a good place mentally when doing this.

Ooooooooh YAY! My new MacBook just arrived! I have to go. I'll write more in a bit.